And It Keeps Getting Stronger
by AuthorA97
Summary: Merlin has magic. Magic is forbidden. Sorcerers are dangerous. Does that make Merlin a monster?


_Ever since I could remember_

_Everything inside of me_

_Just wanted to fit in_

His mother always told him he'd been using magic since the cradle.

He believes her, he had no reason not to do so.

His first memory of magic, though, always stuck.

Merlin had been hovering a toy over his head.

He remembered the panicked cry of his mother.

He remembered every panic cry she had until Merlin learned to _stop_.

He needed to pretend to be like everyone else. Be the person that wouldn't make his mother scream or yelp in fear.

It took Merlin a long time to learn that his mother did not fear _of_ him, but fear _for _him.

It wasn't him that scared her.

It was what was inside of him.

_I was never one for pretenders,_

_Everything I tried to be,_

_Just wouldn't settle in_

==AIGKS==

_If I told you what I was,_

_Would you turn your back on me?_

The first person beside his mother to know his secret was Will.

He had used his magic to stop Will from falling off a tree. Slowing down time, giving Merlin the chance to move a bale of hay below him.

Will had always loved his magic.

At least someone did.

Will though wanted to use Merlin's magic for things. To rise against. To fight til kingdom come. To protest The treatment that Ealdor had felt for their entire lives.

Merlin hadn't wanted that.

His mother had been so afraid to know Will had found out. She only got this scared when there was talk of magic-hunting raids in other villages.

_And if I seem dangerous,_

_Would you be scared?_

==AIGKS==

_I get the feeling just because,_

_Everything I touch isn't dark enough_

Merlin's first day in Camelot saw a sorcerer beheaded.

The sorcerer's mother swore vengeance on the King and his family.

Merlin, though, used his magic to save the life of Gaius. Just as he had saved Will.

Gaius had panicked…then praised his magic.

Merlin had not felt pride for his magic before.

_If this problem lies in me_

==AIGKS==

_I'm only a man with a chamber who's got me,_

_I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me._

Merlin met the Prince then was drawn into a duel.

He won- using magic to cheat.

He understood why Will thought this magic was great. Saw the used of it. Saw how he could fight the royals with it.

Then he was locked in stocks, and Gaius scolded him, and he _met the dragon_.

The dragon that told him everything mattered on him keeping Arthur alive.

And so Merlin did.

But he killed another magic user- a sorcerer- whose only crime was wanting justice for her wrongly killed son.

And Merlin kept her from that justice.

For Arthur.

_A monster, a monster,_

_I've turned into a monster,_

_A monster, a monster,_

_And it keeps getting stronger._

==AIGKS==

_Can I clear my conscience,_

_If I'm different from the rest,_

He had some friends there. Gwen. The Lady Morgana.

He had someone to confide in with Lancelot. A man with honor, who knew his secret, who did not shame Merlin with it. A man who welcomed and praised his magic, thanked him for it.

Merlin had that alien feeling accompanied with his magic, just as he had when Gaius had praised him.

Merlin had come to like this feeling.

_Do I have to run and hide?_

==AIGKS==

_I never said that I want this,_

_This burden came to me,_

Merlin fought many sorcerers his first few weeks.

The dragon only told him to keep Arthur safe.

So Merlin fought against magic.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Each time, Merlin had to wonder if saving Arthur for a perfect land in harmony with magic was worth it, since he killed so many magic users to make it.

For this destiny had cost him Will. His best friend, before Camelot. Will, who wanted him to use his magic for so much more.

And what was Merlin doing with it?

_And it's made it's home inside_

==AIGKS==

_If I told you what I was,_

_Would you turn your back on me?_

_And if I seem dangerous,_

_Would you be scared?_

Arthur was coming to trust him. Merlin felt like he was stabbing Arthur in the back with each carefully worded lie about his magic.

He had told the truth once- to the court of Camelot. It was to save Gwen, it was the only choice. Merlin's mistakes had gotten her in trouble. It was only right that his life spare her's.

But Arthur saved him.

For a moment, Merlin actually believed the dragon when he said they were two sides of a coin. An inescapable fate. Intwined throughout destiny.

Arthur was indeed a great king. A king that was far more worthy of the crown than Uther, more compassionate for his people than Cenred, just more bright and full of goodness.

And of course Arthur was good looking. Not that Merlin would tell him, it would go straight to his head. That beautiful head. A head topped with hair like gold, and held eyes as blue as the still water in the lake by Ealdor. Nor that his body was so strong. Muscles that were constantly growing, bulging out from the chainmail that Merlin draped on it.

He had a good heart. He passed the Unicorn's test: being a kind hearted prince, who gave for the heart of his people so they might live even if it meant his own life. Arthur, who indeed would take the word of a servant over any other- even if it meant Merlin swallowed poison. Arthur, who rode out for the cure in defiance of his father.

All of Merlin's friends in Camelot were good like that.

Which left Merlin, the warlock in hiding, the only one to know about the darkness beneath his skin. The murders he had committed, for the sake of one man- a prince, who would kill Merlin if he knew the truth.

_I get the feeling just because,_

_Everything I touch isn't dark enough_

_If this problem lies in me_

==AIGKS==

_I'm only a man with a chamber who's got me,_

_I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me._

The witch- Nimueh- threatened to kill his prince.

Merlin was left no choice. He had to die. He had to give up his own life, so as to spare his prince's pain.

Which all went up the creek without a paddle. He was not dying, his mother was instead.

The dragon threatened to kill his mother. He warned that a life for a life was not as simple as Merlin thought.

So Merlin came up with a plan that would definitely get himself killed.

But it would keep Arthur alive.

Which was important. So, so important.

What was the life of one warlock to a magic-loathing prince?

_A monster, a monster,_

_I've turned into a monster,_

_A monster, a monster,_

_And it keeps getting stronger._

==AIGKS==

_I'm only a man with a chamber who's got me,_

_I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me._

Merlin killed Nimueh. The only magic user that he had seen that could challenge him in a fight.

A fight where he drew lightning.

He had killed her.

He had killed so many others- yet each death felt as raw on his magic as the first.

But he had to do it. There was no other way.

He did it for Gaius.

He did it for Arthur.

Merlin did it for his other half.

If that made him a monster, then so be it.

_A monster, a monster,_

_I've turned into a monster,_

==AIGKS==

_A monster, a monster,_

He returned home- for Camelot was his home now, indeed how could it be anything less?-to find Arthur whole and well. His heart still as gold as the hair on his head.

It was worth the pain in Merlin's chest. As the darkness chipped and chipped away the boy who used magic to save his friend.

_And it keeps getting stronger._

==AIGKS==

Merlin was cleaning up Arthur's room. Again. Because apparently nearly dying hadn't given Arthur a change of heart as far as room cleaning.

No, better not make it easy for poor Merlin. Nah he only fought a High Priestess and used lightning to control life and death. Clearly he can clean up a prince's room with no problem.

Yeah Merlin used his magic for both tasks, but it's the principle of the matter.

The door to Arthur's room swung open.

Merlin quit the spell that had been polishing Arthur's furniture. He was able to grab the rag before Arthur could notice. There had been a lot of practice with this.

"Ah! Merlin. Just the man I wanted to see." Arthur remarked. He walked in, casually shutting the door behind him.

"What, need the stables mucked again? I just did that this morning!" Merlin huffed.

Arthur said nothing to that. Just chuckled. Dammit, Merlin thought, even his laugh made Merlin feel as ease. Hearing him breathing, whole, alive, Merlin had mucked the stables without complaint. He would do anything Arthur asked without complaint.

Well okay some complaint. He was tired. It had been a long week.

But he wouldn't really mean it.

Not for Arthur.

"No, nothing like that." Arthur walked over to his table. "Just a question."

"If it's why I didn't sharpen your sword, I was busy helping Gaius." Merlin had the excuse already on his tongue. Only a few months in Camelot, and lies came more easily off his tongue.

Arthur actually seemed thrown off his train of thought for a moment. "You did forgot- no, no that's not what I need to ask." He stopped himself at a chair for his table. He gripped the top of it, the intricate carvings of the wood.

Merlin had not seen Arthur nervous like this. Except in those rare days, just before a fight that he didn't think he could win. His hand would grip the pommel of his sword just like that. Merlin had used his magic in a lot of those fights- dropping branches, tripping thugs, more sins of his to bare.

Merlin wondered what had Arthur so stressed. Had his father done something again? Had it been the Lady Morgana? He knew she could get under Arthur's skin like nothing else.

If he was jealous of someone with such a clear connection with Arthur, he had gotten good at hiding it.

"Did you really think I don't know?" Arthur asked.

To his credit, Merlin was lost on what he meant for a full ten seconds.

"Well you didn't have training today, so I didn't think you needed the sword. Then again it's exactly like you to go off training even though you just barely survived a sting from the Questing Beast that I...that Gaius and I only just barely found a cure for in time-"

"About that cure. Mighty peculiar, isn't it?" Arthur interrupted.

Merlin's stomach was sinking. He was starting to regret skipping breakfast so he could get all of his chores done. "Thought it all perfectly sound, Sire. It worked, didn't it?" Merlin excused, beginning to wring his fingers on the rag in his hands.

Arthur did not seem amused. If anything, he seemed more stern. His eyebrows creased over those familiar blue eyes, hardening like a lake in winter. "And you and Gaius just...happened upon it?"

"Yes. We did." Merlin insisted. Gaius would murder him if Arthur figured it out. Merlin would let him, Arthur is an airheaded prat!

Arthur shook his head. He let go of the chair, taking a single step closer to Merlin. Not that Merlin noticed. "So you didn't use magic, then?"

Merlin wasn't panicking. Nope. Nu-uh. He was much better than someone who panicked. "What? No. That's illegal, by your own father's laws." Gaius was going to kill him. No getting past it now.

Arthur gave Merlin a look. It was his usually look to Merlin. The '_don't be an idiot' _look. Merlin had been at the stock-end of that look many times.

"You confessed it to the entire council. Not even you could be that stupid." Arthur countered.

If Merlin was gawking at the prince, he had no idea of it. His entire body seemed to be shutting down in shock. Even his magic- usually a constant buzz under his skin, especially for Arthur, always for Arthur- was silent.

"Then again. A sorcerer...serving the prince of Camelot? Maybe you are that stupid." Arthur noted.

"I'm not an idiot." Merlin countered. "I don't- I don't have magic."

"You saved me from the Questing Beast, didn't you?" Arthur prompted. "You saved me from a lot of things with magic, I'm guessing."

"What? No, no I wasn't-"

"A lot of things around me haven't made sense lately. Not unless magic was involved in the solution." Merlin was frozen stiff. Arthur walked closer and closer to him. Distantly, Merlin remembered that Arthur's sword still needed to be sharpened so there was a chance that he wouldn't be cut down here. "Gaius told my father that only magic could kill a griffon. Yet Lancelot did it with a simple staff? A man you defended so strongly when he first appeared. Almost as if you owed him something, taking the credit for your magic deed perhaps?"

Merlin flinched back.

He was done.

Arthur had figured him out.

It was all over.

"I'm sorry." Merlin apologized. The entire past year had fell on him then. Weighing him down the memories of all that he had done. For magic. For destiny. For Arthur.

"Made me jealous, to be honest." Arthur admitted. "I mean, I'd know you longer but the looks you gave Lancelot..."

Merlin shook his head. His eyes were beginning to water. He was so scared. Arthur was finally going to kill him. He held up his wrists.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Arthur asked, sounding hopelessly confused. "Get up, Merlin."

Merlin sniffled. Arthur may always be calling him a girl, but he was man enough to admit when he cried. "You know about my- my magic. I don't want to fight you, Arthur."

"...you really are that stupid." Arthur realized. He knelt down at Merlin's level. His hand moved towards Merlin's face.

Merlin closed his eyes at the touch. He wanted to remember Arthur as his friend, not as his greatest foe.

But Arthur's touch was so gentle.

So kind.

So full of compassion and care...his thumb stroked Merlin's cheek with what can only be described as _enthralled._

"Wh-why?" Merlin choked out.

"You honestly think that I would kill you? For your magic?" Arthur asked, sounding more confused than when he first heard Merlin would be his manservant.

"I'm a _monster_. You should- you shouldn't _touch _me." Merlin warned. Yet Arthur still moved his hands towards him. "I've- the things I've _done-_ I don't deserve your mercy-"

"_Mer_lin. You idiot." Arthur replied. He reached up, taking Merlin's face in hand. Merlin was already frozen. He couldn't even gather his thoughts together to wonder what was happening, to figure out how Arthur had come so close so fast. Had it been fast? He couldn't remember. All he could focus on was just how pink Arthr's lips were. "You've never been a monster."

He moved in for a kiss.

Merlin let him.

And if all the flowers in the castle bloomed brighter, it was probably a coincidence.

**==AIGKS==**

**AN: Merry Christmas, Girl-Who-Also-Thinks-Merthur-Is-Life!**

**This technical is two prompts and a request. Prompt #1: 52 Stories/52 Weeks, featuring a song/poem. Prompt #2: Merthur, containing lyrics. Request: "Just give me Merthur- like you did the last time."**

**I rose to the challenge.**

**Merry Christmas!**


End file.
